Hello! I’m starting to feel vaguely human again after a week of being ill last week (people were not lying when they said there are some awful colds around at the moment). Reflecting on that week – because I love to overthink everything – I realise how completely terrible I am at just doing nothing. Not physically – I definitely know how to turn down plans to sit on the sofa under a blanket for hours. But mentally, I’m really just very bad at switching off even when I have no energy for thinking.
Before we go any further, please don’t mistake this for some kind of “look at how productive and organised I am” humble-brag. This is absolutely not a good thing, and actually for all the time I spend thinking and planning and organising my thoughts, I am pretty bad at the actual “doing”. I’m a huge procrastinator and if there’s any doubt in my mind over whether I can do something, I’ll avoid it until it becomes urgent and I have to get it done in a panic. Deadlines and me are not friends.
But back to the brain-not-switching-off thing. As an example, I took a sick day last week and after watching 8 back to back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in between naps, I couldn’t help feeling like I should have used my “day off” more wisely. I complained to my partner that I’d wasted my free day and should at the very least have written a shopping list, done some crochet or sorted a few bits of life admin online. He, quite rightly, gave me the look he always gives me when I’m being ridiculous.
People have asked me how I always have about 5 crochet projects on the go at once. It’s because, aside from days when I’m actually unwell, I CANNOT sit in front of the TV and just watch TV. I can’t lounge around and just “be”, which is probably a shame because I know all my friends with children/various other big responsibilities will now be shouting at me that they only WISH they had the time to just “be”. I’m sorry, and I wish I could, but I need something else to occupy my brain. I don’t necessarily feel like the endless crochet-ing is a bad thing…if I’m going to focus on something, at least this is relaxing and mindful and helps me switch off from overthinking every detail of my life. But I have to admit I definitely use it as yet another way to busy myself during downtime.
There’s probably an irony in writing all of this on a day where I’ve been sharing online about my journal and how I enjoy setting “goals” for each month and year. I do often wonder whether this is actually a positive thing for me or not. I’m probably not going to stop, I do like to have a few personal things to aim for and to keep challenging myself, and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing – but it’s entirely possible it’s just my attempt to avoid the actual doing of things by spending hours on the planning. Or to construct some kind of meaning to life instead of simply learning to enjoy the adventure. Who knows?
Anyway, I’m not really sure this little Tuesday ramble has a conclusion. Where do you sit in all this? Do you feel like what I’ve written makes total sense, or are you wondering why I can’t just relax and drift through life without doing so much thinking about it? (I can’t help feeling that anyone who falls into that second category probably switched off from this blog after the first post to be honest…)
Maybe you fall somewhere in the middle, or you’re one of those people who is physically always busy – rushing around with a million different plans every day. If you are, I have NO idea how you do that so please explain!
If you’re still reading, thanks friends and have a lovely day xx